The Journal Entries

In his sleep, he looks so lovely. I can never take my eyes off of him, and yet, I know I should. The wetness between my legs isn't fair, because I know I can't do anything about it. I wish I could. But it's something that we long ago knew would never be.

The idea of making love to him sounds so... heavenly. And the idea of fucking him terrifies me. I make a lot of distinction between that, because it's true. I love Aaden, and I will forever. He makes my house complete, he makes the loves of my life complete. But the thought of making love to that cudgel between his legs gives me pause.

I sighed and headed out into the center room, with the wooden table, and sat down. Reading the notes, it made me wish I was out there with Ken, out there, saving the Han. He even took Sheja with him, but I decided to stay here. I thought Amanda was right. Silly me.

I can't even manage a smile today. The sun rises over the land again and a new day begins. Dammit, Aaden, why did you have to pick now to have an argument with Tonni and decide to sleep in? I sighed and picked up a brush, attacking my unruly hair and fur. A quick debate with the mirror and I decided that, with a jumpsuit, I could pass for Tindal.

N'Nance is a lovely dear, and he tried so hard to be helpful today, but I really couldn't bring myself to tell him why I was in such a funk. I couldn't really tell myself. Every once in a while, I cycle up to these wishes. Just as Aaden feels he's not part of the family because it just isn't in his heart to have sex with me, I feel like I'm not doing enough for the family because I can't share myself with him that way.

That's not very fair, though.

Finally, I sighed and tossed down the gloves I was wearing. "Nance, I'm going home."

He nodded, not at all begrudging me the right to do so. We were a little low on people with the Inquiry staffed, but we also had fewer cases, and the Terran doctors were doing fine with the hardware we had on hand. As I turned to leave, his arms encircled my waist. "You seem... upset, Nyss. Is it that Ken's not around? Do you want company?"

I laughed and patted his hand. "Can't you get laid on your own, Nance?"

"Easily," he said. "I was thinking of you."

I turned around, throwing my tentacles around his neck. "Nance, you're a wonderful friend and I couldn't ask for more. But," I shook my head, "Not tonight. It's... something else."

He nodded. I kissed his muzzle softly. "I love you," I sighed.

"He'll be back soon," he assured me.

"I know." I kissed his cheek again, ruffling his whiskers, then left, walking out into the already dimming day. Adapting to the fourteen-hour day had been brutal, and some people had just never gotten the hang of it and returned to the Inquiry when they wanted sleep, or went with the Inquiry when it pulled out just to avoid having to live on this insanely quick-spinning world. I walked across the plain of tents and lines, dodging beautiful children and equally lovely adults. I even spotted Malthus somewhere, running with the older kids, carrying three slobber-laden balls in his mouth.

I just wanted more rest, I thought. I stripped out of the jumpsuit and, smelling less than rosy, fell into bed. It made a splooshing sound underneath me, like fluidgel is supposed to. I turned over and tried to sleep.

Night swept over with the velocity of a Pendorian Shadow. No lights came on in our home. We're a peculiar family, I guess, preferring the dark to the light, sleep to activity. I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to come.

Almost into sleep, I heard someone come back. I could tell the footsteps were Aaden's, because both he and our 'taur son have such distinctive footfalls I can tell them apart. He peeled back the curtain and tossed off his clothes. "Hi," I said.

"Hi," he smiled. I sighed again and turned over, trying to feign that I was trying to sleep, and hoping he didn't see the expression on my face.

No such luck. "I'm not the telepath," Aaden said aloud as he sat down, "but I know melancholy when I see it. Nyss, are you okay?"

"Just missing Ken," I lied.

"Me too," he said, placing his hand on my shoulder. I shivered when he did that. Inside my mind, I raged with desire. Touch me, Aaden. Please. What is with me?

His hand on my shoulder became more insistent, pressing me down and turning me over onto my back again. He loomed over me, his face smiling. "It's more than that, isn't it? It's me again?"

I nodded shamefully. "It just wells up sometimes and I have... have to live with it."

He nodded, his fur waving. Then, to my surprise, he leaned over and kissed me.

His muzzle touched mine, his warm lips against my own, and then his mouth opened. His arms were trembling slightly, and his kiss was one of the most awkward things I've ever experienced. "Aaden, it's just like kissing a man," I said as he backed away.

"I know," he smiled. "I can still be nervous."

"Why... ?"

"Because lust should not be the only emotion to give me an erection." He kissed me again, and we rolled over on the bed, onto our sides. I grabbed him tight with my tens and held him close, feeling his body next to mine. He didn't have an erection yet, but that didn't mean anything to me. Ken frequently doesn't have erections until he's damned ready to either.

His hands caressed my back, touching, testing. This mel has held me in his arms as I screamed in pain while giving birth, and I have held him in my arms while he screamed in pain at Ken's whips. In the five centuries together we have washed one another, slept with one another, and often made love to the same mel with one another... but not with each other. I touched his heavy fur with my mittens, feeling the thick texture sliding under my pads, feeling his muscles sliding against each other and against his fell. He kissed my neck, and I gasped, surprised. I shouldn't have been so surprised; if nothing else, Aaden knows how to carry through on his decisions, and he's never been shy of initiative.

Neither have I, although I will admit that it took me a while to get used to. I kissed his chin, and we slid along each other, two loving bodies. If not he, at least I felt lust. My cunt, already feeling empty, ached to have him fill me. I knew better than to ask him to go down on me, but I had no reservations myself about going down on him. I slid down his body, pressing my face to his fur, feeling our two furs ruffling as I moved to his crotch, finding his cock.

It hovered before my vision. I have seen it many times before, but this was the first time I'd seen it like this. For a humanoid, Aaden's cock is huge, with a slightly gentle downward curve. It is pale, one shade darker than ivory white, criss-crossed with pale blue veins underneath an almost translucent skin. The head is a bulb, a shade darker again than the sheath, shaped somewhat like the proverbial mushroom. And I knew when I saw it that I could never get the entire thing into my mouth. Not with a century of practice. For the first time in centuries, I found myself marveling at Ken's prowess. Anyone who could satisfy all of Aaden deserved some sort of recognition.

But I tried, reaching down to surround the head with my mouth. Mouths are so sensitive, and the feeling of the tendons in my jaw stretching so much, combined with the sheer mass of his cock against my tongue, impressed on me the final messages about how huge he was. I expect full-sized Centaurs to feel like this, not people built to my scale. Not even a mel twice my weight.

He groaned softly as his cock grew harder, surging in my mouth even as I suckled him. He had grown to full size, and I realized that I still wanted him to fuck me.

The very idea frightened me, because Aaden is, still, enormous. One thing I've never shared with Ken is his... appreciation of Aaden's size. I won't say "love," because Ken is so catholic in his tastes. Just trying to suckle it, I realized that it would stretch me, fill me, and it might even hurt me. Yet, if Aaden was willing, so was I.

He was breathing harder, gasping for breath. "Nyss, stop. You keep doing the head like that, and I won't be able to take it for long. That... starts to hurt after a while."

I nodded, looking up. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize," he said. "Just... " He pulled me up by my shoulders until we were face to face again, kissing me hard. I felt dizzy as our tongues met. It felt so odd, to be finally loving Aaden the way I had craved for so long, but I admit that it felt so right, too. This was something that should have happened a long time ago. Maybe that was just my own greed talking, but I've never thought of myself as a greedy person.

His cock pressed against my thigh, and I felt its hardness. I pulled him over on top of me as I rolled onto my back again. He smiled. "You've always talked about how you could never take all of me."

"Then don't put it all in," I replied, taking it in my mitts and leading it to my opening. He closed his eyes and with a gentle thrust buried himself into me. I felt my insides balloon around his penetrating cock as it slid deeper. I grunted softly in pain as I took almost every centimeter, but he hit my cervix at least three cents before the root of his cock.

"Sorry," he whispered.

"Don't," I said. "It's what I dream of." I pulled him down, craning my neck backwards to find his muzzle. He kissed me, and his tongue entered my mouth and our coupling felt... complete. He slid his cock out of me, then pressed back in. The immensity of it just kept coming back to my mind, and I recalled the... the violence with which he and Ken sometimes make love, and I marveled at both of them.

I looked up into his face. He was staring back at me, smiling, the edges of muzzle pulled up. His eyes were alight with joy, but I sensed some sadness behind them although I couldn't place it. He made love to me passionately and without reservations, and as I closed my eyes I understood what Ken adored about his lovemaking. My hands touched his broad and powerful chest. I don't like men with muscles, and Aaden pumps iron every day... but, for his soul, I make exceptions.

He breathed harder, and I nodded. "That's it, Aaden. Please." I pressed up with my hips and he pressed down, our loving going on and on, and then, for a brief moment, everything seemed to spin as he panted and then groaned aloud, coming inside me! I remember that we both said "YES!" at the same time, my tens wrapped around his neck, his chest pressed against mine. I could feel his cock pushing against me, throbbing within me.

"I love you, P'nyssa," he whispered. I started crying. It was too much. He had said that many times before, but now... this way...

"I love you too, Aaden," I managed to say around my tears. I looked up, and his face looked as sad, in its way, as my tears. "Aaden?"

He smiled a little. "I... I think I've ruined my reputation."

I laughed. "I can keep a secret," I said.

He slid out of me, and both of us sighed as our joining ended. "Nyss?"

"Hmm?"

"Towel?"

I laughed. "It's on your side of the bed, Aaden."

He fumbled for it, then wiped himself off. I could feel his come, a large volume of it, trickling out from between my thighs. He sagged sadly against the mattress. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," he said surely. I gave him a sidelong glance. "Yes, I am," he repeated. "This is one of those things that just... " He turned over onto his side, his eyes examining the ceiling of the tent. "Nyss, half of me is trying to figure out why I did that. I don't want to get your hopes up, because I don't know if we'll ever do it again. I don't know why I did it in the first place. And, to be honest, the other half of me is trying to figure out why I didn't do it sooner.

"All of our life together, I have loved you. I mean that. From the day you told me I was welcome, I have loved you, because I knew I could trust and respect you. The fact that you don't turn me on is, well, part of what I am. But I masturbate when I'm not excited... just looking for something to pass the time. So I can get hard and get off when I'm not turned on."

He paused. "And, for all these years I've known... what you wanted from me."

I placed my mitt on his chest, caressing her fur gently. "Aaden, I would have waited an eternity for you, and if you never... I would have survived. What we did tonight satisfied me more than you can possibly imagine, and it will last."

"I keep thinking I've ruined something. I don't know. My reputation, the tension between us, the purity--"

"Aaden Satpulov Shardik!" I said, interrupting him. "Stop that. We've always managed fine. Nothing's changed between us at all. Your reputation is intact. The tension... I'm not upset that it's gone. And the purity, well, you know better than that."

He chuckled. "I'm not used to these moments of insecurity you guys throw into my life."

"That's more like you."

"Yeah." He put his arm around my shoulder and guided my head into the crook of his arm, pulling me to snuggle up against him the way I do Ken. I readily pressed up against him. "Nyss?"

"Hmm?"

"Ken's going to be back in the morning. What are we going to tell him?"

"The truth," I said.

"Of course." He kissed the top of my head. "Goodnight, imo coimelin."

Of all the things he could have said, that was the best. I closed my eyes to try and clear the tears welling up in there, but more just kept coming. I kissed his chest softly and sighed, "Goodnight, coimelin."