The Journal Entries

Kiza tapped Jofuran on the head. "Please don't."

Jofuran looked up from between Kiza's legs, her eyebrows raised. "Something wrong?"

"It's just not working, Furry. I don't know why." Kiza turned to look away from her, exhaling in one long sigh. "I wish I did."

Jofuran slid up and wrapped herself around Kiza's back. "Want to talk about it?"

"It's just not working, Furry. Please? Don't touch me. I don't want to be with someone right now."

"Tell me what's wrong, Kiza, please."

"I don't know!" Kiza said. "Please, just go away."

Furry slipped out of bed, drawing the covers up over her roommate, and made her way back into the living room of their apartment. She had been afraid this might happen, afraid of the day Kiza decided that she, too, knew too much and it was time for her to move on.

She drew herself a glass of sweet juice and sat down on the aging living room couch, propping her feet up on the low table set before it. She hated the feelings coursing through her, the anger. The problems they were having weren't Kiza's fault.

Weren't they? she wondered to herself. Kiza had been slowly removing her heart from her feelings for the past two weeks, as Nickolai's return date grew closer. Kiza had always had a pattern of falling away from lovers as they grew to know her, but Furry had always thought of herself as immune to that effect, since she had known Kiza very well before they started sleeping together.

It had been such a glorious two years together! She swore gently as she swirled the juice in its glass, then took another drink. She and Kiza had made quite a pair, and few people even believed that they were going to break up soon.

What was she afraid of? Losing her? There was no reason to fear that; it was absolute certainty. When Nickolai arrived, nothing Kiza could do would tear her away from the mel she loved, and if she tried, Furry's wrath would be more than enough to make sure they never spoke to one another ever again. The agreement had been, two years ago, that when Nickolai showed up, Kiza was going to back off, and Furry was damned sure that was how the agreement was going to work even now.

Why did everything have to hurt so much? She twisted in the couch, leaning her head against one of the cushions, wishing the dreams and the fantasies would all congeal and give her a clear picture of what she was going to do, what she wanted. She wanted Nickolai, and she wanted Kiza to be happy. She wanted those two desires to be mutually compatible.

"You did a lot of growing up in the past two years, Furry," she commented to herself. Her reflection, distorted in the glass, stared back at her. More than she was willing to admit to herself; to admit that much change meant admitting that she might have changed away from the fem Nickolai loved so.

Kiza's door opened, and she walked through the living room. Furry noted that she was fully dressed to go out on a date or dancing, complete with purse. "Kiza?" Furry asked.

Kiza didn't answer, but instead reached the door to the apartment and walked out, slamming the door behind her. "Kiza!"

No answer, no return. Furry stared hard at the door, trying to will the Marten back into the apartment, but Furry was no mage and no psionic, and she merely stared, helplessly, at the solid, unmoving green door.

"Damn," Furry said aloud. "Now what do I do?"

"Might I suggest studying?" Kerry asked.

"No you may not," Furry snarled back at the AI, wishing that Kerry didn't have to be so bloody single-minded all the time. Still, she did need to get her reading done in historical vacuum-archeology, and she picked up her PADD and dialed in the lesson her teacher had assigned.

A sound startled her. The PADD wasn't where it had been a moment ago; instead it was on the floor, and Furry realized she must have dozed off. Her brain felt slow, foggy, until she heard a sound at the door, a thump against the wood paneling. She rose from her seat and ran to the door, opening it. A body, slumped against the door, fell into her apartment.

"Kiza?" she asked, looking down. Her roommate was a mess, the fur matted with a dried, pasty substance in places. Her outfit was torn to shreds, and Furry couldn't even find her purse.

"Furr...rry," Kiza said, looking up. She suddenly began to cry. "Oh, fah, Furry, help me."

"Kiza?"

"Furry, please... help me."

"What happened?"

"I don't..." Kiza began sobbing as Furry helped her to her feet. "I don't want to talk about it. Just... please. Help me into the bathroom."

Furry, gripping Kiza about the waist, led her into the bathroom. Kiza loosed herself from Furry's grasp and fell, nearly head-first, towards the toilet, where she immediately vomited the contents of her stomach. Furry winced, then stood outside and waited for Kiza to finish. The sounds came for a long time, finally ending in violent dry heaves that sounded worse than the actual sounds of throwing up. She poked her head in. "Kiza?"

Kiza's voice, pale and weak, echoed in the bowl. "Help me."

Furry knelt down beside her Marten roommate. "How?"

"Get these clothes off of me," Kiza begged. "And... a bath. Please. I need a shower."

"What happened to you?" Furry decided that Kiza's clothing was unsalvageable, and when she couldn't make the buttons do what she wanted, she just tore them open. In less than a minute she had Kiza undressed, and turned to start up the shower.

"I... I got drunk."

"I can smell that," Furry said.

"I mean, I got really drunk. I, uhm, I went to Hover's. You know, the bar where all the jocks hang out. I led a few of them on, and we... we... Oh fah..." Kiza hung her head in the toilet and the heaves began again, body-tearing sounds that made Furry's stomach do flip-flops all their own.

Furry found the strength to reach out and touch Kiza's shoulder. "Are we talking rape, Kiza?"

"No," Kiza said. "I... I wanted them to. I led them on, and it just got out of hand. I let them do anything they wanted, Furry... Oh, fah, I want to die now... I can't believe what I did when I was drunk."

"Are you okay? I mean, medically-- should I call a doctor or something?"

"I just hurt, Furry. Please, just help me into the shower." Furry did as Kiza asked, helping her over the rim of the bathtub and into the large shower stall. Kiza sat down on the floor and curled over into a ball, crying.

Furry knelt at the side of the tub, one hand on her roommate's back. She waited while the water poured over Kiza for the crying to cease.

Finally, after what seemed forever, it did cease, and Furry reached for the bottle of soap and a washbrush. She dosed the brush with soap. "Kiza, can you sit up?"

Kiza slowly unrolled into a sitting position, her eyes blurry and red. "Furry?"

"Gotta wash this stuff off you," Furry said. "Do you think you're going to need a doctor?"

Kiza shook her head. "No. They just wanted to fuck, Furry. I don't think they had the brains to really hurt me." She smiled weakly.

"I hope this teaches you to not get drunk and go into Hover's."

"Actually, I walked into Hover's and then got drunk." Kiza laughed. Furry looked up, surprised, then smiled to her roommate.

As Furry washed the gunk, which she guessed was mostly either dried vomit or semen, out of Kiza's fur, she said, "Kiza... why?"

Kiza bent her head back to look up at the ceiling. "Because of you."

"Me?"

"Furry, I don't want to be a... a... a lesbian!"

"Who says you are?"

"Everybody on this damned campus! They know we're sleeping together, they know we haven't kissed anyone but each other since I decided I was giving up mels a year ago. But I don't want to give up mels, I don't want to be a lesbian! I like mels... "

"I believe you, Kiza," Furry said, laying a hand on her roommate's knee.

"But Furry, I've never had a successful relationship with a mel, ever! The best relationship I've ever had was with you, and in two weeks that's all going end when Nickolai comes back, isn't it?"

"It might," Furry said. "Or we could end up still being best friends, Kiza. I can't believe you started a gangbang just so you could prove to yourself and the whole Ring that you were straight!"

"I didn't mean to... but when I was drunk, it just seemed like a good idea." Kiza reached down and grabbed Furry's hand. "I love you."

Furry started. "Kiza..."

"No, wait," Kiza said. "I mean that. From the bottom of my soul to the top, Furry, I love you. You've proven to me that I can love somebody, and I guess that's the most important thing you've ever done for me.

"It's all going to end in two weeks, but those two weeks are going to be the happiest, and the saddest, in my entire life. At least, my life up to now." She slowly stretched her legs out before her in the shower, scratching at her fur. "I'm really a mess."

"How many guys were there?"

Kiza cocked her head, thinking for a moment. "Five."

"FIVE?"

Kiza laughed. "Well, you asked. It was a gangbang, after all. I think there was a Lutra, a Mephit, an Uncia-- or maybe a jock Felinzi, not sure-- and a Vulpin."

"You're taking this remarkably well for someone who's describing what some fems would call rape."

"No," Kiza said. "No, I wanted it. I deserved what happened to me tonight." She wrapped her arms around her midsection. "After throwing up, though, I feel a whole lot better."

"Ready to dry off?"

Kiza nodded. Furry again helped her to her feet; she was still none too steady. Still holding her roommate in one arm, Furry activated the blow dryers, scratching and ruffling Kiza's fur to make sure that she was completely dry before helping her into bed. Kiza shivered slightly. "I'm cold."

"Do you... want me to keep you warm?"

Kiza nodded. "I'm sorry for earlier."

"It's been building for a while."

"I know. Maybe it'll be better tomorrow."

Furry nodded and slid into bed next to Kiza. "Kiza?"

"Huh?"

"I love you too."

---

Furry awoke to warmth and moisture between her thighs, pressing up against her cunny. She looked down to find Kiza licking her tentatively, kissing her mound with tiny, soft kisses. "I didn't know if... if I was doing it right."

"You're doing fine," Furry sighed, parting her legs a little further open.

Kiza nodded nervously, but as she slid down to kiss Furry again, Furry placed her hand over her mound and said, "Wait. What's this all about?"

"I just... I wanted to apologize for last night, and I realized that in all the times we've been together, you've always been the one who started things. I know you like making love, Furry, but I know that getting things rolling is a lot of work, and I wanted to return the favor."

"You don't have to do it this way," Furry said.

"But I want to." Kiza slid a finger under Furry's hand a lifted it away from her cunny. "I want to give you everything you've given me." She lowered her muzzle to Furry's mound and reached out with her tongue, kissing the soft fur that covered her cunny. Furry sighed gently, feeling aroused just from that little touch, and parted her legs again.

Kiza became bolder, kissing and licking her roommate's cunny with her tongue out, tasting the sweet juices that spilled easily from Furry. Her hands reached down and spread Furry's lips further, exposing the pink, wet skin underneath.

Furry moaned, her body growing warm under Kiza's kisses. The heat encircled her pelvis like a flow of hot water, swirling with each touch of Kiza's tongue. Then she remembered...

"Kiza?"

"Huh?" her roommate asked, looking up.

"Could we... could you do something different?"

Kiza's ears seemed to droop a little, but she asked "Like what?"

"Uhm, if you look in the drawer under my bed, you'll find a... a latex phallus."

Kiza giggled. "You own a dildo?"

"I was lonely!"

"And I'm not enough for you?" Kiza asked as she leaned over the side of the bed. "I can't get leverage at this angle." She slipped out of bed and pulled the drawer open. "This it?" she asked.

Furry nodded, the tips of her ears reddening. "Let's just say you aren't mel enough."

Kiza knelt down between Furry's legs. "You know, you could always have gone and found a boyfriend," she said, teasing the head of the latex toy along Furry's lips, coating in her juices.

"I was already busy enough," Furry gasped, feeling the dildo pressing against her labia.

"I know," Kiza said. She pressed the dildo in a little harder. Furry moaned and parted her legs even further. The head slid between Furry's labia and finally disappeared within her, sinking into her cunt. She gasped. "Like that?"

"It feels weird," Furry admitted.

"Why?"

"Because I'm used to controlling it," Furry replied. "It feels like I'm being fucked by a disembodied dick."

"You are," Kiza pointed out.

"But usually, I'm holding it in my hand, and it's not so... alien. It's just something I'm doing. Masturbating."

Kiza reached down and took Furry's hand in her own, leading it towards her clit. "Now, you play with yourself while I fuck you silly, then."

"It's a deal," Furry gasped. Kiza began stroking the toy back and forth, watching with her own fascination as Furry's lips expanded and receded, following the stroking dildo in and out. Furry's hands played over her clit, and Kiza felt surprise as she watched how intent Furry's hands were on her clit, how rough and mechanical almost. It looked as if she were trying to rub it off.

"Harder," Furry gasped. Kiza began to stroke the dildo in earnest, almost afraid of pushing to hard and too deep, hitting the back wall of Furry's cunt and hurting her. Kiza's arms began to burn with the effort; it was taking Furry a long time to come, and the strength she needed to keep pushing that dildo back and forth was not something that came with sitting at a CAD station all day.

"I'm close," Furry gasped. Kiza took that as a hint and redoubled her efforts, until suddenly Furry's body shuddered and twisted, a loud "Ohh!" escaping her lips as she came. Her legs tensed and thrashed slightly.

And then laid back out flat on the bed again, panting. "Oh, Kiza."

"Did I do good?"

"You were perfect," Furry admitted. "I think I shall be sore until Nickolai gets here." Furry gasped, clamping her hands over her muzzle, shocked at what she had just said. "I'm sorry."

Kiza smiled. "That didn't hurt me nearly as much as I was afraid it would. I don't think I'm afraid of losing you, Furry. I know I'll be able to go on."

Furry sat up and hugged her roommate warmly. "I'm glad you feel that way."

"I am too. It makes sense, now. I'm sorry for being such a horrible mess last night."

"We all lose it sometimes, Kiza. I'm sure even Shardik does."

"You would know better than me," Kiza admitted. "Come on, I didn't get nearly as clean as I should have last night, and I'm sure you want to take a shower too."

"Maybe I'll use the shower massage on you," Furry said.

"Mmmm... is that a hint?"

"Do you want one?"

"Yes!" Kiza's eyes lit up.

"Then let's go." Furry kissed her on the cheek softly, and they crawled out of bed and into the shower.

---

Dearest Nickolai,

Kiza and I had a fight the other day. I guess you would say it was a small fight. It was over you.

She's afraid of what's going to happen to her when you get here; she doesn't know what she's going to do with her life. In a lot of ways she's right; I know her pretty well, and I'm the only stable relationship she's ever had. Even her parents weren't that good to her, you know, the "benevolent neglect" sort.

And I have to admit that I do love her, even when I'm feeling protective of her. She needs somebody, but I don't think she's likely to be dependent upon someone. She's just lonely.

We made up, but it took a really bad night to do it, although the making up the next morning was very sweet. I know you probably won't get a chance to turn this letter around before you board ship to get here, but remember to tell me what Garth and what's-his-name (Fosten? Foster?) does with that wording. I know you're telling them.

I just want you to know all this in case she acts very weird around you, because while I do love you very much, I don't want her to get hurt in the process. If she has to be hurt to let me go, I want to do it as gently as possible.

I can't believe you're going to be here in less than a month. When I lie in bed, I think of you, and my hands will stray along my thighs and I'll open my legs and my fingers will press against my mound and they'll get all moist and I'll dream of you and...

I'm horrible, aren't I?

Love you so much,

Jofuran.