The Unreadable Awfulness of Tentacle Porn

Posted on | April 9, 2016

In a brave mixture of desperation, curiosity, and briefly having the money necessary to indulge, I went out and bought a couple of tentacle monster porn “books” from the Kindle/Nook self-publishing arm of the universe.  I picked books that were scored better than halfway (2.5 stars or more out of 5), and those that were explicitly tentacle monster sex books.

Sheila’s Tentacle Monster by Annabel Bastione was the first one, and probably the “best” one, which is saying a lot about how bad the others were.  Sheila and her husband, Stan, have a terrible relationship; they can’t stand each other, fight all the time, haven’t had sex in months.  When a crashing noise erupts in their back yard, he goes to investigate, and then she hears screaming.  She goes out to find Stan being held upside down and vigorously sodomized  by a poorly-described tentacle monster, who then proceeds to work its sexual desires on Sheila instead.  The action is literal and highly visual.  Sheila’s emotional output is all reserved for how much she hates Stan.  The “follow up” story is about how Sheila has adopted the monster and takes care of it, followed by her and Stan arguing over who has the “right” to the monster now that Stan has discovered his kink, followed by the monster doing them both, giving Sheila more time to think about how much she hates Stan.

It’s more like bad therapy for Ms. Bostione than porn.

My New Boyfriend The Tentacle Sex Beast by Odessa Piper was doing okay.  Our heroine finds a book of “sex spells” and decides to try one.  The tentacle monster that shows up is bewildered by the idea that Sophie doesn’t actually want anything for sex other than a really good lay.  She’ll take what the monster is offering, but it’s not the point.  The monster is also a little put out by the assertiveness of the modern woman, but he takes control soon enough.  For all that, I just couldn’t get past the monster’s bad, bad 50s-era greaser/brooklyn/badboy accent.  The writer makes the monster less a multi-millennial sexbeast and more a lousy lay from your teenage memories, the pervy boy in the leather jacket who couldn’t wait to get his hands on you.  I just couldn’t get past that.

Alien Tentacle Sex by Pen Penguin was the worst of the lot.  It starts with a telling-not-showing “We’re a bad bunch of space pirates” opening, then leads into a bloody murder scene on a space station, followed by, well, I didn’t even bother to find out.  Just bad, bad writing all around.

All of these “books” by the way, are barely stories; the longest was 30 pages, the shortest 18.  At $1.99 a pop, that’s not horrible, but we should demand more of our tentacle porn stories.

The last time I read decent tentacle monster porn, it was the opening fantasia of Purrfect Plunder, by Andrew J. Offut (1982).

I guess if I want good modern tentacle monster porn, I’ll have to write it myself.

Comments

9 Responses to “The Unreadable Awfulness of Tentacle Porn”

  1. Matthias Urlichs
    April 9th, 2016 @ 10:05 pm

    I guess Pendor needs an uplifted cephalopod or two.

  2. Larry
    April 10th, 2016 @ 9:03 am

    I’m looking forward to reading your take on tentacle monster porn.

  3. Grego
    April 12th, 2016 @ 8:46 pm

    Elf,

    Check out Perv Otaku’s genre-redeeming “Interview With the Tentacle Demon” series.

    http://www.sexstories.com/profile780068/Perv+Otaku

    I also would enjoy reading your ideas on the matter!

  4. D.B. Story
    April 12th, 2016 @ 9:53 pm

    I seem to recall a Journal Entries story or two that I thought of as tenticle sex. Or at least the alien involved (forget her name at the moment) had what I would think of as tentacles at the end of her arms instead of hands and fingers.

    But what you mention about it being so unsatisfying that you feel the need to write your own is exactly what got me into writing. I simply didn’t like what I was reading at the time.

  5. D.B. Story
    April 12th, 2016 @ 9:57 pm

    P.S. I know Annabel Bastione a bit. I’ll pass along your comments.

    I’m sure what you write would well be worth reading.

  6. Big Ed Magusson
    April 15th, 2016 @ 2:14 pm

    There was an anthology of tentacle porn a few years ago that I contributed to and was quite good (my story Irie No Kaubutsu got a good review from TAS). Alas, the publisher folded and it went out of print. Nobilis Reed has done some anthologies since then. So I think there’s some good stuff out there.

  7. D.B. Story
    April 15th, 2016 @ 2:20 pm

    One last thought. If you think tentacle sex is bad, take a look at shifter stories overall. It so much seems to be alpha male — who is alpha because he’s a secret shifter — mets human girl. He is outed by circumstance as a shifter, girl is initially scared, but eventually they have human-on-human only heterosexual sex only and may be fated mates. No lovely shifted sex, especially if two shifters are involved.

    I would look forward to reading any of your takes on that.

  8. Elf Sternberg
    April 19th, 2016 @ 10:32 am

    That’s a shame, because I’d kinda like to read something better than the trash coming out of the Kindle and Nook ecosystems.

  9. Fiona
    June 7th, 2016 @ 5:32 pm

    Will Crimson writes some interesting tentacle stories… https://www.patreon.com/user?u=2308281&u=2308281&ty=h

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